Hey Kevin Hart, you deserve every bit of ridicule you get, and more

You retarded dumbfuck need to be the post boy of everyone shouldn’t be getting a trophy just for signing up to play. You are an idiot and should be label as such until you manage to stumble upon a cure for cancer. Stumble upon? Yes, since you don’t have enough brain particles to scrape together in order to find a cure on purpose. Anyone who takes pity on you should be herded up the rest of the Oprah generation and be dumped into the core of a nuclear reactor. Yeah, sometimes you don’t get what you want. That’s fucking life. It’s not a fucking license to sue or make up your own reality to create a personalized story of victimization.

Nice crocs dumbfuck.

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20071107: WTFUCLA Edition

Dennis Franchione, Texas A&M: All the smoke in Texas Station points to a new sheriff coming town. If you read between the lines of the smoke signals it says Tommy Tuberville has saddled up and started heading west. Franchione’s cupcake inspired success from 2006 just wasn’t enough to please the people paying the bills.

Bill Callahan, Nebraska: 76, nuff said.  The only question is who will Tom Osbourne hire. After firing Frank Solich a few years back Nebraska has lost its place as a glamor job.

Greg Robinson , Syracuse: A loss to terrible Pittsburgh. They only question should be at this point is who will be replacing Robinson. If, for whatever brain damaged reason, Syracuse keeps Robinson around another year take it as a sign they have abandoned their football program.

Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh: Yea, you beat Syracuse. You gave them a devastating 20-17 stomping with an awesome 10 point fourth quarter comeback. You had no turnovers, a running back with 140 yards only four penalties and you still had to make a fourth quarter run against one of the worst teams in all of D1A.

Ed Orgeron, Mississippi: Yep, you won too. Barely. Against 3 – 6 D1AA Northwestern State. Now you get to be fodder for LSU and, if it’s even possible, fodder for Mississippi State.

Mike Leech, Texas Tech: Woo hoo you won too. Once again you proved what a powerhouse you are against perpetual doormats. Somehow only beating Baylor by 31 seems a little disappointing for you. I think it’s safe to say at this point with games at Texas and home versus Oklahoma your wins for 2007 are behind you. Maybe you’ll luck into a bowl game with the Sun Belt champs and can have a good showing.

Mike Stoops, Arizona: Yet another winner on the list. Now all you have to do to get to a bowl game is win out against Oregon and Arizona State.

Karl Dorrell, UCLA: UCLA has lost 3 of 4 with their only win being against Cal. That of course coming after they lost to Notre Dame. They are in true need of adding a WTF to the front of their initials. WTFUCLA has a good ring to it don’t ya think? You need to pluck one win from games against Oregon, Arizona State and @USC to get to a bowl game. I don’t think anyone would be surprised if you lost all three or somehow managed to win one or two of those. WTFUCLA is a rudderless ship sailing at the mercy of the winds and currents.

Others of note: Chunky Weis with his runny nose. About half of the ACC should be looking for new employment including Duke, Maryland, Georgia Tech, Clemson, and Miami might as well start their next search.

Hey Charlie Fat Ass

Wipe your fucking nose you fat fuck.  Oh, and HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Hey college football media, take Georgia Tech’s d-coordinator Jon Tenuda’s cock out of your mouth.   Getting destroyed by a 110+ offense at home is pathetic.

Where’s Your Heisman Now?

Heisman Winner:

Denis Dixon, Oregon: Dude beat the Trojans. If he and the Ducks do it again this week versus the Sun Devils send Denis the trophy. It’s over.

Eh, Maybes:

Mike Hart, Michigan: Weeeeeeeeeeee the Wolverines beat the Gophers. They beat them without Mike Hart. I’m pretty sure 80% of D1A teams could beat Minnesota playing them 10 on 11.

Matt Ryan, Boston College: Probably belongs in the not happening group. But but but that awesome comeback in the last 4 minutes!!!!!! Yeah, it was awesome when Matt admitted after the game the Hokie defense had gotten tired. Plus whether he admits it or not Bud Foster went prevent and got burned. What the hell are you doing covering a running back with a defensive end at that point in the game? Let’s also not forget in the first half BC had a 4th and 15 inside the Hokie 25. Ryan got chased out of the pocket. What did he do? Try and force a pass somewhere SINCE IT WAS FOURTH DOWN? Nope. Threw the ball away out of bounds. Not the move of the best player in college football.

Adios:

Andre Woodson, Kentucky: Losing at home to Mississippi State? Losing at home to Mississippi State by 17? Your chances are gone.

Nope, not happening:

Pat White, Steve Slaton, West Virginia: If it was one of you getting the focus you might still be in the race, but since you’re sharing a dim spot light yer outta here.

Tim Tebow, Florida: If there was ever a ball hog in football Tim is it. The Gators have lost 3 of 4, Tebow is hurting and still had the most rushing attempts last week.

Ray Rice, Rutgers: Strike 1 – Rutgers, Strike 2 – Big East, Strike 3 – losing, Kevin Smith from Central Florida is a better choice than Rice, but ain’t nobody from the C-USA gonna win the Heisman.

Derrick McFadden, Arkansas: What big game did you have this year?

Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech: He’s a freshman

Never should have been considered:

Colt Brennan, Hawaii, and Graham Harrell, Texas Tech: Seriously, Texas Tech never ever ever ever never ever shows for any game where if they actually won it might give them the appearance they are a quality team. Colt and Graham run up huge numbers in megapass oriented offenses.

Farewell Sly Croom

Nope, Sly, you’re not leaving us in the way I had imagined. But with a win on the road at Kentucky you’ve been cleared for another of chasing that elusive .500 mark, and {GASP} a bowl game.

Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh: Yep, another loss. This time around to Louisville who is Brian Brohm away from being Syracuse. The good news is you’re currently tied with South Florida in the Big East. Which about three weeks ago would have been awesome.

Greg Robinson, Syracuse: Nothing is better than two weeks of basking in the glory of a 20 – 12 win over mighty Buffalo. At least you had extra time to prepare for this weekend’s epic battle of suckitude with Pittsburgh. This game could set the sport back to age of leather helmets.

Mike Stoops, Arizona: Holy shit you won a game. And scored 22 in the fourth quarter to do it. Did Washington go into a prevent defense? Fuck if I know. It’s not like any sports fan from this planet would have actively made an effort to find, let alone watch, this game.

Ed Orgeron: Mississippi: I guess it’s time to start winterizing the football equipment for the Rebels after this weekend. Saturday’s huge Northwestern State match up is the last chance for a win this year for old Ed. This is actually a huge game for Ed. Given the extreme unlikeliness of beating either Mississippi State or LSU a win over Northwestern State (you go look up their nickname) would push Ed’s career win mark into double digits. Not bad for three seasons huh?

Mike Leech, Texas Tech: Boy howdy you sure do know how to run it up and down the field against Northwestern State, hey, didn’t I just talk about them?, and Rice. However, as I have said before Texas Tech with Mike Leech does not show up when it matters. Period. Never have, never will. His coaching skills might work great in the WAC or MAC or D1AA, but it doesn’t get the job in BCS land. The only good news for Leech is Baylor is up next, but then it’s Texas and Oklahoma.

Breaking news: Frank Beamer Retires

Earlier today Frank Beamer called a surprise press conference to announce his retirement. “This game is too complicated for me.”, Beamer said then sniffed his nose opening his remarks. “I have come to realize that the ordeal of having to coach and field three distinct football units is beyond my capacities. I always felt all you needed to play {sniff} the game was a defense and some special teams who excel at blocking kicks against teams like Duke. Especially when you have them down 20 or so points. But having to field an offensive unit as well, is well, is just too much work. {sniff} That’s why I had our team leave the field with 25 seconds left in the half, in possession of the ball near midfield and a time out left. {sniff} I figured running out the clock {sniff} was our best strategy at that point in the game. Anyway, I just didn’t feel like bothering with that offense nonsense anymore. It wasn’t like we were going need anymore points from our offense being up a whole touchdown. {sniff} I had gameplanned for at least one defensive touchdown {sniff} and a special teams score. Since we didn’t get those in the first half I knew they’d come in the second. {sniff} Heck, I hadn’t even planned on the offense getting us a field goal in the second half. {sniff} So that was sort of a bonus.

“So, I figure at this point I’ll pass along the team to Bryan Steinspring. {sniff} Maybe he can figure out these new fangled football schemes that I just can’t, {sniff} unless I have Michael Vick at quarterback.”

Where’s your Heisman now?

If the Heisman winners of the 21^st century are any indicator of future winners look for the 2007 Heisman to go to a QB with no chance of succeeding in the NFL.

 

The leader today for the Heisman?

Denis Dixon, Oregon: There is no offense in the country more fun to watch than the Ducks. He’s a good thrower, a good runner and keeps his team in games.

 

 

The top contenders:

Mike Hart, Michigan: I get the feeling this is more of a media sentimental choice than anything. Lloyd Carr has nothing else to go with on his team other than running Hart into the ground. Then again, that is the way of the Conference That Can’t Count. Considering the miles Michigan has put on Hart’s chassis I wouldn’t consider him anything better than a second or third round draft pick.

Matt Ryan, Boston College: He hasn’t exactly faced a murder’s row of defenses so far this year. But coming up he does have Virginia Tech, Florida State and Miami. His chances of winning the trophy rise and/or fall with his success/failure in those games.

Andre Woodson, Kentucky: Week in/week out he seems to be going up against top 10 teams. His efforts against LSU and Florida more than make up for the mildly stinker of a game against South Carolina.

 

 

Thanks for applying:

Ray Rice, Rutgers: Heckuva a runner with a big time prime time performance against #2 South Florida. That said, he’ll have to put up those kinds of numbers the rest of the season to win because 1) he plays at Rutgers and 2) Rutgers plays in the Big East.

Derrick McFadden, Arkansas: Hey it sure was swell seeing that pimped out car of yours every game in September. Too bad that’s pretty much all you had to show off during those games.

Colt Brennan, Hawaii: Dude, whatever.

 

 

No chance:

Steve Slaton and Pat White, West Virginia: Both off the radars. You two need to do yourselves a favor and go pro after this year. Hanging around to win a title in basketball is fine, but in football you need to cash your checks when you can get them. WVU is not going to win a title this year or next.

Tim Tebow, Florida: I don’t buy that he needs to be throwing and running the ball on 60+% of the team’s plays. No other Gator has had more than 16 carries in a game. I get a sense there is a lot of “I am Tim Tebow. Look at me. Look how awesome I am” going on here. A QB’s job is to get the ball to his play makers. The Gators have some top shelf receivers on that team. You can’t tell me a school like Florida hasn’t recruited a decent enough running back to get the ball 15 to 20 times a game.

Michael Crabtree, Graham Harrell, Texas Tech: Nice numbers, but we all know Texas Tech won’t show in big games. That’s just the way Texas Tech rolls.

Edition 10.22.2007

Good job Georgia Tech. You managed to run Tashard Choice right out of the line up. Oh well, it’s not like the rest of the football world has anything fear from anyone in the ACC.

So how about my list? Greg Robinson won, Dave Wannstedt won, Karl Dorrell won, Tommy Bowden won, Chan Galey won those are turning out about as good as my point spread picks.

Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh: Still topping my list. It really is not a good sign when a team finally wins a game when the head coach is not on the sidelines. There isn’t much bad you can say after win, but the number of empty seats at this game against a top 25 opponent were just astonishing. For god’s sake people, they play their games off campus so the student should actually be able to buy beer at the games. College football is a revenue generating entity. It is this revenue that makes other sports possible that only Christine Brennan can love. If you can’t get people coming to the games you have got to get out.

Greg Robinson, Syracuse: Copy and pase from above, search for Pittsburgh and replace with Syracuse. There was a sign at this game versus Buffalo that said something along the lines of “Hey c’mon, it’s Buffalo.” This says a lot in a couple ways. One, Buffalo is not the cliche horrible Buffalo of the past. And two, Syracuse is trying to find some pride in beating a MACtastic team that is struggling to reach bowl eligibility. In a game where Buffalo was down only one score late the stands looking more like attendance for a girls field hockey championship game than a BCS conference football game played by Jim Brown’s alma mater.

Mike Stoops, Arizona: A fourth quarter loss to Stanford? Well, I guess losing to Stanford isn’t that big a deal anymore. The Cardinal really seem to have turned the corner to being a tough team. Well Mikey, all you have to do to get to a bowl game this year is win out. Four straight wins over Washington, UCLA, Oregon and Arizona State seems reasonable huh? Dude, you are so done.

Ed Orgeron, Mississippi: Yeesh, you think Ole Miss wants to rethink dumping David Cutliffe for having one bad season? Cutliffe put up respectable 7, 8 and 10 win seasons over his first 5 years only to have a 4 winner sneak in there in year six. But I guess that’s how the SEC does things. Now the Rebels are looking at another 3 to 4 win season. Things are bad for ya there Ed. You hung tough with ‘bama and Florida, but that’s not enough.

Sly Croom, Mississippi State: It’s hard to believe you actually won 4 out of 5 game earlier this season. It must have seemed eons ago when West Virginia went up 31 – 0 with two minutes to go in the first quarter. There is really nothing left here for Croom to prove. He has not, is not and will not get it done with Mississippi State. The Bulldogs need to cut their losses.

Earlier today on ESPN radio Boston College head coach Jeff Jagodzinski tempted fate by saying the Virginia Tech crowd won’t affect their game this Thursday night. I have been to games at Lane Stadium, and I have been to many games at many other stadiums. Some other Stadiums come close, but Lane Stadium is waaaaayyyy up there at the top for fan insanity. There have been times at Lane Stadium that make you wonder what is wrong with these people that they make this much noise. I was there in 2001 when the Hokies had a horrible offensive performance going on but somehow managed to stay close with a top ranked Miami. Then Eric Green blocked a punt. I can tell you that was the single loudest moment I have ever experienced in a stadium. Ever. There were people screaming so loud they were falling off the bleacher seats, on which of course they were standing. I was there in 2003 when Miami came to town again and proceeded to get gutted by the Hokie defense. That entire game the stadium was rock concert kinda loud. This year’s Hokies have been flying well under the radar mainly due to yet another horrible offense, but ask Tommy Bowden if Virginia Tech needs offense to win a game. Coach Jeff, if you have never experienced a football game in Blacksburg, if you are not truly familiar with the Hokie fans, when you chose to make that comment, you may not have chosen wisely.

Take a hint Pittsburgh

You beat a top 25 team without Dave Wannstedt on the sidelines.  That was no coincidence.

Let’s hope Directv and ESPN have prepared themselves.  At 8pm tonight the 900 pound tag team of Ralph Friedgen and Mark Mangino will be on the air at the same time.

Oh, nice crowds in Pittsburgh and Syracuse today.

Dave Wannstedt blew out his achilles?

How perfectly symbolic this is.  The worst head coach hiring of the last 5 years loses a wheel.  Just like Pittsburgh has done since that dreadful day when some idiot in the athletic department thought interviewing him for the job was a good idea.  The team, the coach and the entire football program is now skreetching down the PA Turnpike on three wheels with sparks flying out the back.  Three wheels are good if you’re riding a Big Wheel, not so much if you’re driving a rusted out 1979 Chevy Impala.