Where’s your Heisman now?

October 25, 2007

If the Heisman winners of the 21st century are any indicator of future winners look for the 2007 Heisman to go to a QB with no chance of succeeding in the NFL.


The leader today for the Heisman?

Denis Dixon, Oregon: There is no offense in the country more fun to watch than the Ducks. He’s a good thrower, a good runner and keeps his team in games.



The top contenders:

Mike Hart, Michigan: I get the feeling this is more of a media sentimental choice than anything. Lloyd Carr has nothing else to go with on his team other than running Hart into the ground. Then again, that is the way of the Conference That Can’t Count. Considering the miles Michigan has put on Hart’s chassis I wouldn’t consider him anything better than a second or third round draft pick.

Matt Ryan, Boston College: He hasn’t exactly faced a murder’s row of defenses so far this year. But coming up he does have Virginia Tech, Florida State and Miami. His chances of winning the trophy rise and/or fall with his success/failure in those games.

Andre Woodson, Kentucky: Week in/week out he seems to be going up against top 10 teams. His efforts against LSU and Florida more than make up for the mildly stinker of a game against South Carolina.



Thanks for applying:

Ray Rice, Rutgers: Heckuva a runner with a big time prime time performance against #2 South Florida. That said, he’ll have to put up those kinds of numbers the rest of the season to win because 1) he plays at Rutgers and 2) Rutgers plays in the Big East.

Derrick McFadden, Arkansas: Hey it sure was swell seeing that pimped out car of yours every game in September. Too bad that’s pretty much all you had to show off during those games.

Colt Brennan, Hawaii: Dude, whatever.



No chance:

Steve Slaton and Pat White, West Virginia: Both off the radars. You two need to do yourselves a favor and go pro after this year. Hanging around to win a title in basketball is fine, but in football you need to cash your checks when you can get them. WVU is not going to win a title this year or next.

Tim Tebow, Florida: I don’t buy that he needs to be throwing and running the ball on 60+% of the team’s plays. No other Gator has had more than 16 carries in a game. I get a sense there is a lot of “I am Tim Tebow. Look at me. Look how awesome I am” going on here. A QB’s job is to get the ball to his play makers. The Gators have some top shelf receivers on that team. You can’t tell me a school like Florida hasn’t recruited a decent enough running back to get the ball 15 to 20 times a game.

Michael Crabtree, Graham Harrell, Texas Tech: Nice numbers, but we all know Texas Tech won’t show in big games. That’s just the way Texas Tech rolls.


Edition 20071018

October 18, 2007

Here we go with a new number 1. With November just around the corner the first of the 2007 firings is not far away.

Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh: This team is bad. Real bad. What’s worse is fans aren’t even going to the games. Wannstedt won in his first year as head coach of the Chicago Bears, and hasn’t won since. There was no reason to even interview him for this job.

Greg Robinson, Syracuse: My oh my, what will happen if Syracuse loses at home to the Buffalo Bulls? Syracuse has been giving up frightening amounts of yards on the ground this season and the Bulls’ James Starks has been running very well lately. 244 yards last week, 183 the week before to be exact. Again, like Pittsburgh, people expect more out of Syracuse than we’ve seen during the Greg Robinson era.

Karl Dorrell, UCLA: The window of opportunity exists in Los Angeles for someone else to ascend to the throne. Pete Carroll’s magic touch is fading. He’s got to be smart enough to see that. Sometimes being able to land every five star recruit you want isn’t such a good thing. USC is proving that. That’s simply too many prima donnas wearing the same uniform. Given this UCLA needs to make a choice. Do they reach for the ring or do they merely accept more Nut Bowl losses in the years to come?

Tommy Bowden, Clemson: Clemson is a former national champion you know. Just listen to their fans. Forget about how many recruiting violations it took to win that title or the fact that championship trophy is nearly 30 years old. Tommy is never going to win the big game at Clemson. If he couldn’t do it with good college quarterbacks or great college running backs he’ll never get it done. The question is for the Tiger fans, is the Mickey Mouse Bowl good enough? Is the Dollywood Bowl good enough? If those bowl games are satisfying for you then keep Tommy around.

Chan Galey, Georgia Tech: Chan has only lasted this long thanks to riding hard on the backs of Tashard Choice and Calvin Johnson. Everyone was marveling at your superiority after the 33 – 3 drubbing of Notre Dame, but now it seems you should have been able to win by a lot more that day. My honest feeling is that Chan is very unlikely to be fired any time soon. But if that is the case the Yellow Jackets will be mired in mediocrity until he is gone.

Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State: You know, I’m actually tired of talking about him. At this point I’m more in favor of Mississippi State disbanding their football team. It’s not like Mississippi State is some kind of crown jewel of academia. Even Vanderbilt has managed to put together a solid team with their educational superiority. For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster you’re in the SEC, all you have to do win seven games in that conference and the media will be slurping at your lap as a national championship contender.

Others on their way out: Lloyd Carr, Michigan: you damn well better find a way to beat Ohio State this year if you want your job next year. Kirk Ferentz, Iowa: you will survive this season, but next year you’re serious trouble.

My weekly picks have been nothing short horrible so far. So here is this week’s round of money losers.

MARYLAND -4.5 over uva: The Cav’s top rusher is out for the game + they generally play horrible on road + they are barely squeaking out wins against the middle of the road teams = A win for the Terps.

LSU -11.5 over auburn: Tommy Tuberville generally plays better on the road than at home. But nobody plays well against LSU at night in Baton Rouge. LSU should come in rather perturbed after losing the overtime game to Kentucky. I expect a rather serious beat down of the War Eagle.

cincinnati -9.5 over PITTSBURGH: The Panthers haven’t been able to score much on teams that have average defenses. Cincinnati doesn’t have just an average defense. Pitts biggest hope for this game is the Bearcats coming in bummed out over their loss to Louisville. I don’t see that being enough. Cincinnati still has the Big East title in their own hands, but they have to keep winning. If they drop this game their upcoming matchup with South Florida becomes meaningless.

stanford +10.5 over ARIZONA: Mike Stoops is another dead coach walking. Don’t be fooled by a close game with the Trojans.

oregon -11 over WASHINGTON: Oregon is another team with reason to keep playing hard. Win out and they will likely sneak away with a PAC-10 title. The Ducks are one of the more fun teams to watch on offense with Dennis Dixon running the controls. Ty’s Huskies have beaten Boise St (before they got rolling) and Syracuse so far this year. Their only other close game was a home loss to USC.

FSU -5.5 over miami: FSU is the same as they have been for the last 3 or 4 seasons. Strong defense and meh on offense. I can’t even tell you what Miami has these days. One week they’re giving up a megaton of yards and points to Oklahoma then next they look like they’ve turned a corner against Texas A&M and then they struggle with Duke. It should be close, but not a wide right kinda close.

army +26 over GEORGIA TECH: Look Army ain’t winning this game, but they are playing tough close games. All GT has on offense is Tashard Choice and they are running him into the ground (37, 32, 32 carries in the last three weeks). If they end up having to run Choice 30+ times again this week that’s bad news for their upcoming game on November 1st with Virginia Tech.

Yeah, my picks sucked the other day. Fuck you. Now on to death row.

1. Mike Stoops, Arizona: Nice job keeping Oregon State from scoring twice as much as you, but that doesn’t help your need for four more wins to be bowl eligible. With the reality of being an underdog for every game on the rest of your schedule (well, maybe you’ll be a pick ’em with UCLA) your time is up is desert. Arizona is in a hopeless situation. They are so far behind the rest of the conference in football they might as well disband the team.

2. Greg Robinson, Syracuse: Yep, that win of Louisville is looking less and less impressive with each passing week. Clearly your team is more like the one WVU just ran over like a NASCAR Chevy over a paralyzed bunny. Syracuse would do well to cut ties now and use that for recruiting momentum. The Big East is wide open to get a BCS bid. Especially once White and Slaton leave WVU.

3. Slyvester Croom, Mississippi State: Congrats to you Sly. A personal best 4th win of the year for you. You’re two wins away from being bowl eligible. Now all you have to do is find two wins among your remaining games with Tennessee, @WVU, @Kentucky, Alabama, @Arkansas and Mississippi. Good luck with that. Remember what I said about the Arizona team? Same applies here.

4. Carl Dorrell, UCLA: You lost to ND. Normally, that’s no big deal. Except in a year when it was a foregone conclusion that Notre Dame was heading and 0 – 8 start and possibly going to have to trouble winning against Duke and Navy. If you hadn’t stolen away a win against USC at the end of last year you’d be heading back to being some worthless position coach come this December. The loss to the Domers was a huge embarrassment. Bigger than getting gutted at Utah earlier this year.

5a. Tommy Bowden, Clemson: How can this guy still be at Clemson? We’ve seen this story how many times? One big win (this year versus FSU) and the state of South Carolina thinks Tommy has finally gotten over the hump. Three returns for touchdowns and the super duo running backs held to a combined 9 yards later and we see you got your one big win out of the way early this year. Sadly, I can envision some other program being conned into hiring you again for your last name alone.

5b. Chan Gailey, Georgia Tech: Pretty much the same story as Tommy Bowden. An occasional big win makes people think this team is on its way to something big. Something big that never comes. How a coach can still be employed after having Reggie Ball as a starting quarterback for four years is the real mystery in this picture. Then again, ACC football is the epitome of mediocrity, so coaches like Gailey and Tommy Bowden are perfect for this conference.

On Notice: Lloyd Carr, Michigan – no need to discuss any further; Kirk Ferentz, Iowa – you lucked into a couple good season when Drew Tate came out of nowhere for a couple magical seasons. Well, he vanished from the scene about midway through last season, and so too will you.

1. Mike Stoops, Arizona: Mikey, are you doing ok after this weekend? Man, that first quarter must have really hurt. Your defensive genius gave up 45 points to Cal, 28 in the first quarter. How many would Cal have hung on the board if they didn’t call off the dogs after the first fifteen minutes?

2. Greg Robinson, Syracuse: Congratulations Greg. Awesome job this weekend. You and your Orangemen became the NCAA’s biggest ever point spread upset champions. This game was just a little bit of a surprise as I thought Louisville would come into the game hung over from their defeat to Kentucky the previous week, but I certainly didn’t expect UofL to rollover and die like that.

3. Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State: Well well, for the first time since 2004 you’ve won back to back games. That’s some awesome stuff there Sly. But other than UAB coming to town in a couple weeks the rest of your schedule should leave you slayed, flayed and fileted.

4. Tommy Tuberville, Auburn: You won by five touchdowns. That’s outstanding. You won by five touchdowns over New Mexico State. That’s expected. You were losing in the 2nd quarter to New Mexico State. That’s pathetic. The always reliable intartube rumors have you heading to Texas A&M for next season. At this point I know of a few Auburn alumni who are willing to help you move.

5. Lloyd Carr, Michigan: One thing pleases me nearly as much as seeing Notre Dame get beat. And that is seeing Penn State get beat. I nearly moved you off the list altogether for that win this weekend, but once Ohio State comes calling for you in November it’s curtains for you mug.




Charlie Weis, Notre Dame: On a positive note you broke a 119 year old record this week. The bad news is the Giants won this weekend. That’ll make it a little harder for Coughlin to get fired for you. What does your future hold? A real legit possibility of going 0 – 8 to start the year, and a not that huge of a reach of going 0 – 12 for the season. How will Touchdown Jesus feel about losing to Navy and/or Duke?


Mike Leach, Texas Tech: Whoopidee doo, you sure can run up some awesome passing numbers, but you just can’t win dude. Time for this circus pack up and move on.


Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers: Seriously, I don’t know who to fire first in this situation. Norv or whoever came up with the bright idea of even interviewing him. Did you see LT nearly crying at the post game press conference? That’s the only power Norv Turner has as a head coach.

Week ending September 16, 2007

September 21, 2007

Here are your top five NCAA football coaches slowly marching to the gallows.

1. Greg Robinson, Syracuse: The last time a Big East had a cellar dweller this bad the Big East kicked them out and Temple nearly ended up a 1AA. You’ve had your chance Greg. It’s back coordinatorville for you. This is year three of your torture on the Syracuse program. So far your stellar defense has allowed 41, 35, and 42 points to your opponents, and this weekend you travel to Louisville. Better hope the Cards are in hangover mode after that loss to Kentucky. I wouldn’t count on it. UofL might get 60+ this week.

2. Mike Stoops, Arizona: See Greg Robinson. You’re a coordinator, that’s it for you. Embrace what you are. Don’t head down the road of being the Norv Turner of college football. Oh wait, you were 6 – 6 last season? Who cares? You’re in a BCS conference and were bowl eligible and didn’t go to bowl game. The again, one of those wins was against Division 38DDD Stephen F Austin. Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrr outta here.

3. Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State: Hey how about that. You beat Auburn. Golly that’s swell. You’re almost up to ten career wins in your fourth year. It’s year four for you. So far your head coaching career has been one of remarkable consistency. Not many D1A coaches could win exactly three games each and every year. Usually a resume with wins over Florida, Alabama and Auburn would be impressive. How have you managed to make that a sad after thought?

4. Lloyd Carr, Michigan: Isn’t it obvious? Can’t beat your main rival. The alumni have wanted you gone for years. From #5 national champ hype to hoping for a win in conference. Adios Lloyd, ya had a great run. Please, do all of football a favor. Retire. Retire and go on tour giving lectures about when it is appropriate to go for two after a touchdown. Because anytime before the fourth quarter, and even then only when it is absolutely necessary, it is not.

5. Tommy Tuberville, Auburn: No team in college has done more in spite of their coach over the years than Auburn. How bad do the alumni wish they would have stolen Bobby Petrino away a few years ago? How do those two timeouts you took home from the end of the South Florida game look over your mantle?

Wildcard: Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. If the New York Giant finally ditch Tom Coughlin look for Chuck the gut to jump ship. Buying players in college isn’t quite as easy as it is in the pros.