Breaking news: Frank Beamer Retires

Earlier today Frank Beamer called a surprise press conference to announce his retirement. “This game is too complicated for me.”, Beamer said then sniffed his nose opening his remarks. “I have come to realize that the ordeal of having to coach and field three distinct football units is beyond my capacities. I always felt all you needed to play {sniff} the game was a defense and some special teams who excel at blocking kicks against teams like Duke. Especially when you have them down 20 or so points. But having to field an offensive unit as well, is well, is just too much work. {sniff} That’s why I had our team leave the field with 25 seconds left in the half, in possession of the ball near midfield and a time out left. {sniff} I figured running out the clock {sniff} was our best strategy at that point in the game. Anyway, I just didn’t feel like bothering with that offense nonsense anymore. It wasn’t like we were going need anymore points from our offense being up a whole touchdown. {sniff} I had gameplanned for at least one defensive touchdown {sniff} and a special teams score. Since we didn’t get those in the first half I knew they’d come in the second. {sniff} Heck, I hadn’t even planned on the offense getting us a field goal in the second half. {sniff} So that was sort of a bonus.

“So, I figure at this point I’ll pass along the team to Bryan Steinspring. {sniff} Maybe he can figure out these new fangled football schemes that I just can’t, {sniff} unless I have Michael Vick at quarterback.”